Li had to take me to the Medical City yesterday. My voice was terrible. I was also burning hot with fever and that set her on panic mode. Rose and Heidi told me my face was red. Of course, they didn't know that was the effect of the micropeel session I had the other day at Bioessence while nursing this fever at home he he...I'm currently under expensive medication at P72 per capsule. I should have had myself admitted and let the health care provider pay for everything. Groan.

Li also advised me to take a sleep study because I haven't had that much sleep daw. Probably, she thought work in the office has taken its toll on me. I failed to mention that I was also busy doing money-making stuff over the Internet early in the morning. But then, why would I tell her?

I feel a bit okay now after I bade goodbye yesterday to my designer, Mark (on his way to Qatar now) and missed a chance to see Bloody for the past few days. (Teka, we're together like 4 days ago and talked about my flu.) Bloody often times remind me of my blessed state of being, in a sort of funny way. I found someone I can resonate my thoughts with even without much talking and he happened to be the most unavailable guy in the planet. That I call funny.

I'm thinking about this other web project I might start with two friends. Somehow I got a green light on this already the last time I spoke to somebody who thought that this particular project would benefit hundreds. But I am still processing this idea and probably come up with a decision by the end of the day. What is there to lose anyway? Not that it would land me broke or something. All I know is I feel excited about this one.

For weeks, I've been fighting this urge to cry. With all the things going on around me, I couldn't find time to be vulnerable and break down. Somehow I got tired of being me.

Three days ago, Neth asked me what my walk with God these days. The only answer I could give her was it had never been this bad. I was discontented, angry, tired, lonely and scared. I was the very opposite of this person who was happy, contented and purpose-driven. I no longer know what to do. I questioned the very standards I so defended. In doing so, I doubted the goodness of God.

Somehow the winds of adversity had won over me. I might as well die young since I couldn't look at my future straight in the eye.

Goals for 2009

By the way, there won't be any new house for this year and we're not going anywhere too. The bank is charging us 240% interest rate that almost tripled the price of the house. No way. We have decided to grow the money first in the next two years, then buy a new house in cash without any bank complicating the scene.

We have waited 20 years for this. Two or three more years won't hurt.

Can't wait for Saturday.

1. Watch two movies with Renz.
2. Pig out.
3. Go back to Francis at Vivere for hair treatment.
4. Buy clothes. (Kamiseta and Bayo on sale!!)
5. Lots of kwento.

Yay!

We're currently stuck here at home enjoying the magic sing videoke unit the brothers bought just the other day. It has been raining since early this morning.

Here's the second part of my learnings this year while I'm currently torn between a slice of cheesecake and fruit salad.

4. There is no place like home.

I have learned to appreciate each day I live and move in this overpopulated polluted city I call my home. London, like all other cities outside the Philippines, was a fling.

5. Don't burn bridges if you can't even build one.

Help came from people I least expected during the time I was at the end of my wits. No matter how far or how long you've been gone, keep in touch with people you've made friends with. Life is too short to be spent in making enemies.

6. Count your blessings.

Only those grumpy miserable people don't.

7. Learn something new.

This year, I learned to monetize my website, design a website, do SEO, facilitate a workshop, play PSP and grill chicken properly. Twilight is not exactly a disaster, the director was. And that friendships don't grow on trees.

In tradition of year-end memes, I would like to have mine answer the ultimate question "What are the things I learned in 2008?". Here are some learning points and puzzling curves based on what seems to be life's cliches in no particular order.

1. God is faithful.

Of course, what is there to know? Even if you're drunk you know that already. Everyone who professes to have faith recites that so well to the point it cheapens the sentence, or the word "faith", already. But for those who went through the fires of life and came out unscathed, this mind-boggling truth would hold the solid ground not even the worst earthquake can move. Every year that passed since the countless times I sat outside the chapel in PUP savoring the meaning of Jeremiah 29:11 a decade ago spoke only of one thing - God saw to it that every promise was fulfilled.

2. When someone slams the door on you, break through the window.

I welcomed 2008 with an empty bank account and a career that met its death sentence in the latter part of 2007. I have never been that scared losing grip of my own life and reluctantly handed over the reins to an invisible God. Looking back now, what I thought was the end of my story was actually just a beginning of a new chapter. So far so good.

3. It's better to give than to receive.

There really is some grain of truth in it. Earlier this year, I read a book by Pastor Ed Lapiz called "Siksik, Liglig, at Umaapaw" (pressed down, shaken together and running over) that spoke heavily on God's challenge to every believer - tithing (Malachi 3:10)- and the promise of His reward. The book brought wealth management into proper perspective. God owns everything and assigns men as stewards of His vast property. Of course, it is ridiculous to assume God needs our money. The local churches benefit from it to sustain their operations. But above all accounting procedures, tithing is also a spiritual discipline that reveals where your heart really is.

It was actually a painful discipline I took to set things right. A substantial chunk is taken from my income on a monthly basis. As the months passed, somehow that exercise came as natural as breathing. The outcome? Blessings in thousand folds that do not only impact you but the members of your family as well. That I really REALLY can tell you.


More to come. I need to catch some sleep after that alarm went off at 5am earlier.

I've spent the first three days of the holiday break going to Tagaytay and the new dentist. Tagaytay was stormy last Christmas day, with occasional power outage that made me feel like the entire planet went backwards and it's rainy August again. It watered down the festive mood of the holidays, add more the dentist who did a pretty bad job on my molar. I was in pain the whole afternoon of Friday. If things go bad, I'll have her license revoked. Seriously.

So far the list of must-do's has not been accomplished so far except for a new watercolor portrait I made last night. A tribute to David Cook fans. Other than that, I was busy worrying about my damaged molar and thinking of ways to save it. And yes, Richard and I were talking, I mean writing to each other again. Not for anything else. It's catching up on an old friend.

I'll be out today, church and a visit to Nitay's church where I'll do face painting to a bunch of kids pro-bono. I don't know how long I can last with this aching molar. I can't even eat properly. And tomorrow, or maybe tonight, I'll start designing my new template for wordpress. This makes me nervous as I am not really sure how it would turn out. Alecs is willing to lend a helping hand even he's on vacation somewhere up north.

After work, I headed to the mall to do last minute shopping until it closed at 7pm. I bought myself a Max Lucado book and mom her first mobile phone ever. My brother gave her a line 4 years ago and she didn't even use it so brother cut the subscription off. But now she changed the way she looks at gadgets (she used to think it's really gastos than a necessity) and would welcome anything even if its prepaid. Oh well, mommies.

This year's Christmas eve was all about midnight sales, shoestring budget and annoying traffic. I was at the terminal waiting for a ride. It took probably an hour before I finally got to the front of the half kilometer line. And guess what? The driver of the blue Adventure was there again and I was his front seat passenger for the third time. When I got in, a girl was already occupying the seat so I took the space beside her.

I can't help but overhear their conversation for half an hour. None of it piqued my interest save for the obvious fact that the girl was flirting with him.

It was pretty disturbing. I've got this mental picture of someone who seemed so nice to everyone and I wasn't expecting he'd literally take it an extra mile further. How many have he been so "platonic" with?

The girl took off at the next stop together with the rest of the passengers. As usual, I was the last person he had to take to the last terminal. It took him a couple of minutes before he finally said "hi" to me as I was really vent on completely ignoring him. He started explaining himself that the girl he's with was just a friend. I assured him it was a secret I won't tell his wife. (This whole thing was weird come to think of it. Have we been reading each other's minds?)

I guess that bait worked and opened doors to few revelations about himself. He's 5 years older than I am and has 3 kids. No mentions of wife, he avoided the topic like a plague. He worked abroad for 13 years, reason why he afforded himself 2 vans, a car and the blue Adventure he uses for his small car hire business. And his name should have been Vladimir but the priest who officiated his baptism advised against his Russian vampire-sounding name. Therefore the jologs version.

It was a nice small talk which could have taken half an hour or so if I only agreed to his invitation to drive me all the way home. I could have uncovered a dozen more info about his person and dissected every microscopic detail. But I am terrified of losing my footing, and losing my mind as well. He could be Hannibal. Or someone worse. So I just left him my card. I'm safer that way.

I don't exactly know why God allowed something like this to happen which He wouldn't approve of in the first place. It would have been nice if He has taken out of the picture the wife, the kids and the girl. That could have been the happy ending I've often dreamed of.

Sometimes God has this weird sense of humor. It's not even Halloween.

Merry Christmas, LJ friends and lurkers!

I felt relieved to have spotted this FX taxi immediately after I've crossed the street on my way to church yesterday. It's very rare that I chance upon one on Sundays so I thanked the heavens for this. The vehicle looked new and clean from the outside. I took the front seat.

Surprisingly, the driver beside me wasn't that bad looking either. He didn't smell the combination of gas, grease and body odor. There was no sticky feel every time his arm would brush against mine. I could tell he never missed a bath in his life and knows how to take care of himself. He's very courteous to his passengers. When we stopped by the gas station, he gave a few pesos to those kids singing Christmas carols. He smiled at me when he gave me my change.

I liked the sound of his voice, too. It was cool and kind. Not a hint of jologs tone in it except for his name "Blademir" which I read from his ID. He owns and operates the unit and lives near my place.

All of these quick observations were made while I was busy texting two people. I was smiling not because Nitay was funny.

I couldn't get him out of my head the whole time I was inside the church. I was suspecting I got hexed or something. Perhaps it was his scent. Or his car perfume. Or the coins he gave me. There were no poison apples nor candies. It's just him and the vehicle that he drives.

After spending an hour buying stuff inside the mall, I went back to the terminal to catch the 9pm ride back home. Surprise, surprise! He was there again. He recognized me and asked something about my shopping. The next thing I know I was sharing the front seat with him again.

We were quiet the whole time he was driving. I stopped analyzing things so I feigned sleep lest I encourage a conversation with him and lead us off to topics I wasn't very comfortable discussing with people I've just met. But I was enjoying the time we're seated beside shoulder to shoulder. After the FX was emptied of people at the destination leaving me the last person he still had to take to the next stop, he started asking me questions. Silly questions like how was my day, the mall and my shopping. He fished for more info when he asked about my husband and looked surprised I did not have one even figuratively. It was a very short conversation that lasted 5 minutes. When we reached the final stop, he bid me goodbye and I immediately took off without even looking him in the eye. I was such a guilty monster.

Few regrets though. If I wasn't that flighty, maybe we should have exchanged details like my name and number for starts. I should have given him my card. I forgot to ask if he was married or not because I had a dozen of things in my head I failed to check his ring finger. Does he often pass this way? What his real occupation was since he didn't sound like any of those ordinary FX drivers. I could have asked these questions but I was too distracted to even think of one. This wasn't the real me. It was the chicken talking.

That was actually the first time I noticed him in that terminal. I really don't know if I would see him on same time and place today, tomorrow or next Sunday. But I have the feeling that we would soon. He'd be waiting :)

Unless I come up with a creative plan to cut the agony short. Hmm. In fact, I already have one. Like come up with a good excuse to leave my card to one of the terminal operators with a note that says, "Call me." For me to actually do that, lasingin nyo muna ako. Wehehehe...

I have finished the Dreamweaver course in 5 Saturdays. It was a bit frustrating though that I wasn't able to complete my web project. My schedule was booked until December 24th, and I'm not even sure if I'll be working too during the holiday break. With all the rush, I hardly feel the Christmas spirit at all. The kind of joy and simplicity we all felt when were still little and I sort of miss that experience.

The family is planning to spend Christmas Day again in Tagaytay. I'm looking for a nice place to visit. Antonio's is one fine place but I blinked at the thought of spending P2.5k for a nice meal per person. If the brother is in good Santa Claus spirit, I wouldn't mind the bill be on his wallet. But then P10k for the four of us is a whole lot of money already. We can actually use it for the New Year's Eve celebration at Sofitel. The boys have been looking forward to see magnificent fireworks at Manila Bay.

Or maybe we can all stay at home, save up a few thousand bucks by cooking our own food instead and buy Jack Sparrow dibidis for a week of movie marathon. Hmm...the latest season of Heroes and Prison Break may not be a bad choice. One thing I am sure of - I am not really in the Christmas-y mood to entertain guests in the house. Not for anything else, but I'm tired beyond belief. I just want peace and quiet, maybe Tagaytay is it.

Btw, I hope to accomplish the following before New Year:

- a bunch of Edward Cullen watercolor portraits I will sell to fanatics (I'm not kidding)
- new website template
- go to the dentist

I haven't done any gift-hunting and shopping yet! But given the current economic climate, I might as well do something creative. I believe I've got some overdue gift certificate collection. Hmn. I'll go figure it out when I'm already allowed to breathe. Maybe next week. I've got a big day coming tomorrow at Greenbelt 5. And another pretty hectic week. My boss doesn't seem to sleep. What a handsome vampire he'd make. Hehe.

I'm trying to finish the book "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey. I picked it up again two nights ago after abandoning it for awhile. The sappy vampire love story got in the way for the past 2 weeks. It actually messed up my thinking so I went back to my present reality before I start believing in fantasies. In fact, I never bought any literature about love and romance since The Notebook. (Btw, I did not buy it. It was a gift.) I am easily influenced by what I read. But not exactly by what I watch.

The book about God's grace was actually a difficult read you'd think it's a fanciful idea. Until I got to the part where the loose ends where tied up and everything is crystal clear. God loves even the worst persons among us. He forgives unconditionally. Probably those who have been freed out of prison have a better grasp of what really grace is. But humans have a tendency to abuse it - why not eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow God forgives anyway?

Let me paraphrase apostle Paul's argument in Romans - we have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

P.S. I miss my friends. These are the times when we were all supposed to be partying already.

Finally, after six months, I got promoted! Woohoo!

My mom asked me, "How come you always have gays or spinsters for friends?" And I answered back with a question, "Is it bad?"

Of course, I know where my mom is coming from and what she is aiming at. Relatives and friends kept asking her about me being single at this overripe age of 34 and having a motley crew of friends from 40-year-old virgins to gays. I actually did not mind being talked about for the longest time. But when I heard mom ask me that question that seemed to doubt my state of being and sanity, I had no choice but to answer back and explain. I am not that miserable wretch people think I am. I can make friends with every sinner or saint I can resonate my thoughts with and still remain the kind of person I know I am. I don't even have to be married to be considered a complete person.

I am happy being a free person, content with what I am right now. It so happens that there are people in the planet who are not gifted with marriage. Some are destined to live alone to fulfill their purpose. Others were forced into marriage by ugly circumstances. Why is it hard for a traditional society living in the 21st century to understand that simple fact of life?

I have spent the entire work week working and traveling to and from six different stores to make sure the system for Major Project is up and running. Now, as expected, the team working on the software has not totally eliminated the bugs. We're delaying the launch. Thank you. I am now breathing properly. I even had time last night to pluck my brows (hehe) and think of my next major projects in line - 2009 department plans and budget and the new store opening all happening in two weeks time. Like Jude, I go "OMG! OMG!" in the truest sense and meaning.

But before the panic attack starts next week, I will watch Twilight tonight!!! Let's see if this movie would send me out scouting for the book version, which Powerbooks says is out of stock. Movie bud Renz is unable to join me due to a minor surgery (minor lang pala eh :p). I have 10 hours more to scout for a movie companion.

Before I forget, Happy Thanksgiving Day, America!

Turkey! Turkey! :p

I have been up and reading old blog entries since 3am. When I somehow got bored reading, I opened my yahoo chat. And signed out again after finding freaks behind ugly names.

My Macromedia class will end two Saturdays from now. I still feel inadequate, unable to focus during the 6-hour class. There were times I found myself sleeping with my eyes open.

By the way, to make things clear, I recently lost Tyson. He got evicted from this house almost a week now. I still do feel bad about it that I haven't spoken to mom since that day.

After reading the synopsis and still feeling so sad over losing Tyson the cat (again), maybe I should watch Twilight tonight. Or buy the book Stephanie Meyer wrote with pale-faced Robert Pattinson on cover. (Wow.)

While I was at Powerbooks yesterday, I received 4 missed calls from David. I actually had my phone divert calls from unlisted numbers to a busy tone. When I accepted David's fifth call, I had a desperate-sounding man at the end of the line telling me that his dad will be operated and he needs money.

The first thing I asked him was "Why are you still in Manila and not working in Hong Kong?" All he could tell me was his well-rehearsed line: his dad is dying and no one's gonna take care of his family. I find it a lousy excuse. What chances are there for his dad to survive if he'll be here in Manila jobless, right? Why not bite the bullet and go back to HK, send money from there and get the entire family out of that miserable pit?

That guy has told me a dozen of times about his back to work order from BBC Hong Kong where he worked for two years. Now I wonder if there is indeed any truth to that claim.

David is probably one of the few persons I avoid talking to these days. There is something about him that I find false. It started when I tried to ring his residence number a couple of months ago and got a message that it is an unregistered number. From then on, his stories about his dying father and having not a decent meal to eat somehow made me suspect that he is either a drug addict or a homo who squandered his earnings over some leech.

Hay, naku... Ewan!

I have just finished doing a website project for a friend. Had to skip work to finish this and move to the next. The next one is going to be another website they want me to maintain on a monthly retainer basis. I'm happy that I get extra income and learn more about the web as I go along. I am dead serious about preparing for an early retirement from the corporate two years from now (or less) and start my own biz. I see myself leaning towards the arts so that's the path to take.

I've been meeting a couple of creative guys along the way. (That could be a SIGN!) One happens to be the guy who designed a project for the office who I only get to talk to over the phone or G-Talk with at unholy hours in the morning. I call him banker by day, racketeer by night. Found out that Banker is not only an IT guy at the bank but an artist, too, and a church mate(!). I have just recruited him to my team. Doesn't matter if he can't write a good copy. Well, Jude does and so does everyone in my LJ list. (Bwahaha!) Writing now is the least of all my worries.

This year is probably the best I had in years. I think I have just started living out my dreams, knowing where to go and discovering what I really can do. I have never enjoyed this much freedom after losing it for a short while.

Now is the time for me to catch some sleep....I hope everyone enjoys payday Friday.

If you've been watching the Pinoy version of Ugly Betty, all you could find are the contrasting characters of Armando, the company president, and Betty, his loyal and witty personal assistant with weird fashion sense. And in sheer coincidence, my boss' first name happens to be Armando. Actor John Lloyd would definitely pale in the background when the real Armando steps in and starts conducting his business. Sometimes, you'd like to question God's sense of fairness. How in the world that this man is so gifted with intelligence, richness and a handsome physique while others suffer dearth of those godlike qualities?

So when the news leaked that my photo was included in an article yesterday at Inquirer lifestyle page, Kleng-Kleng cheered "Betty! Betty!". I do report to him but my name is not Betty. Armando may be God's ultimate gift to humankind but I never ever fantasized about him. I'd rather be with someone ordinary and more human but shares the wit of Armando. I guess that isn't too much to ask of God. Lol.

And by the way, I don't wear those thermal stockings to work. This is Manila and not freezing London.